Have you ever had an erection in public? If no, well, trust me when I tell you that it's not a comfortable feeling. Erections are good. They remind you that your libido is still intact and they're pretty useful in times when you have to do your ancestor proud by giving that bedmate a time of their life. But when your john springs up at moments where they're better off flaccid, it's not only embarrassing but surprisingly difficult to manage as you have to think up shaft-dulling scenarios in your brain while you deal about the shocked gazes from people who couldn't help but fall their sights upon your zipper region. The most embarrassing moments however are those when you find yourself in situations where a hard-on is both improper and a downright taboo. I've had a few nasty moments where for a brief moment, I regretted owning a penis. And I can tell you that you would definitely feel the same if you suddenly get an erection in the most improper scenarios like when you're, say...;
Approaching the altar for communion
As a catholic, the time for Holy Eucharist is one expected to be met with a solemn, reflective and meditative mindset. But Satan(sorry, bro but you're gonna have to take one for the team) has a way of making you look like scum of the earth when he wishes to. And if you have a very sensitive wiring of nerves, you'll not be glad about having that brief wayward mental reminder of the last good time you had with the really hot chick from catechism you just spotted six rows away as you walk towards the priest to receive the Body of Christ. Folding you hands over your crotch suddenly seems necessary then, doesn't it? But would be completely pointless if the guest nun assisting the priest at the altar had already spotted the impure gesture risen in your pants.
Giving your mom a back massage
Not just your mom. Your sister, your aunt and even your third cousin! Seriously, if you're not careful, you might start thinking there's actually something wrong with you for having such a reaction. How this happens is one question I battled for a long time to answer but with time, I eventually did. It's simple really- these are women too and somehow, you might have subconsciously associated their soft shoulder regions with one you've had to fondle sometime back and before you could say 'Jack!', your shorts go JACK and you spend the rest of the moment picturing rotten ogbono soup or putrid donkey carcass to douse your private regions and remind yourself that you could never ever EVER imagine a situation like that with your blood relative!
Giving your dad a back massage
Now, if you notice blood rushing down your boxer shorts while pressing gently on your dad's aching sides, don't panic. It's just a feeling triggered by the action of touching naked skin- well, either that or you just discovered your latent interest in males(which is also not such a bad thing....until you act on it and get caught by the Nigerian law authorities, get charged with having sexual relationships with a member of the same sex and sentenced to 22 years in jail). Either way, the knowledge that your peepee got hard while rubbing Aboniki on your dad's back (even when you know it's not 'precisely' your dad's back that triggered the feeling) is enough to make you feel dirty and unworthy of living. So, yeah....not a nice feeling.
Standing in a BRT bus
Because Lagos is an overpopulated city, you have to endure periods of getting crammed in standing position in long buses. Now, many things might play out in your head while your body is sandwiched behind a fellow passenger and one of these might be a memory of an amazing bang session with a really hot girlfriend. Believe me when I tell you that you most definitely do not, and I repeat DO NOT want your penis to go throbbing in such a position or you'll be branded a pervert (if you're lucky) or be assaulted by an angry mob of frustrated passengers and touts once the female passenger infront of you raises an alarm(if you're not so lucky). And if said passenger is a male.... Oy...
Sitting behind a guy on okada
Just as the overpopulation factor forces us to board stuffy buses, it also compels us to share seats with others on commercial motorcycles. I recall one incident where I was heading back home from a 'knack' session and I had to board a bike. Now, I was mashed in between the bike rider and another passeger behind me- a woman, to be precise. And for some reason (perhaps the tenderness of the lady's boobs pressing on my back- she had no bra on BTW), the memories of the sweaty, raunchy session I had just enjoyed replayed in my mind and my downstairs tenant decided to play 'Stand Up Nigeria', resulting in it poking the bike rider who panicked and assumed I had a screwdriver in my pocket! I was lucky in that scenario. You, on the other hand might not be. Either way, it's really embarrassing.
At your girlfriend's parents house
Picture this; you went to visit your girlfriend at her parent's abode. Her folks aren't home and you two decided to spend the time together in their living room watching a movie. And of course, because you're a guy, your mind starts to wander towards fondling her supple breasts and french-kissing her luscious lips(which may eventually happen if your game is strong). But alas! Halfway through such thoughts or foreplay session, in walks her mom, or worse, her dad and you had to 'compose' by forcing your legs to cross over your magnum which had already swollen up in anticipation of a quickie or a handjob. Good luck keeping a straight face while managing THAT...
Walking in the rain
Women aren't the only ones who get uncomfortable from having their nips poking through their wet blouses after being drenched by a heavy storm. Guys as well suffer from it, especially if you happen to associate the cold downpour with the commonly expressed phrase, 'Weather for two' as you walk in the pouring rain. Now, while it might help warm you up a bit, you still have to find a way to hide that bulge on your sweatpants or tight jeans when you come across people as you walk. It's already challenging trying to achieve this under normal circumstances so imagine how next to impossible it would be to do it when you're soaked to your undies walking on a busy route where majority of the fellow pedestrians have umbrellas on- meaning they don't have to worry about getting soaked and are complacent enough to notice irrelevant things. Like an public erection in broad daylight.
Out with a crush
No matter how innocent your feelings are towards a female who pricks your romantic interest, there will always be a certain level of sexual tension between you two and sometimes, it's even one-sided(in this case, the side being yours). The thing about having a crush is you generally get uneasy when you're around them- you find it hard to speak, act or even look them in the eye. When you're around the subject of your romantic fantasies, so many kinds of emotions run through your body at that moment and it's only a matter of time before feelings of lust surface- if it already hasn't been on the fore front to begin with. And since you're already overwhelmed by the person romantically, it would only be a matter of time before your phallus gets the message your brain has so carelessly passed down and you have to add to your woes, the battle of concealing your sexual arousal. Sounds terrible, doesn't it?
In a lecturer's office
This situation applies to guys who have a habit of developing sexual fantasies towards their teachers. Many of us have had moments where we sit through a class of a sexy and gorgeous teacher, lecturer or professor wondering how it would feel to put a tongue over those milfy, smooth-skinned breasts poking out of the top button of her blouse like a surfer reaching up the surface of the sea for air. We imagine how nice it would be to bend her over the office tables and work away while she gets lost in the excitement and give us an 'A' in the heat of the moment. And such thoughts might carelessly wander to the top of our minds while we're standing in front of the object of our frisky dreams during a summon. You don't want to imagine what would happen if your hard-on is noticed in such a scenario so let's just collectively agree that the only time it plays out in favour of the student is in a porn movie.
Playing with a kid in your compound
If you experience this, then my brother, drop her as quickly as you would a hot pot of banga soup, run to the bathroom and pour chilly water on your body before someone notices it and you're arrested for attempted sexual molestation of a minor when your actual crime was being guilty of an over-active brain that brews up sex memories at the most improper of moments!!! Satan can be wicked sometimes sha...
To be a male is not so much fun after all, is it?
Frigging hilarious!
ReplyDelete😂😂😂