Here in Nigeria, acquiring wealth is a dream every individual wishes to come true. It's displayed in every aspect of our society; music, movies, literature, poems- virtually everywhere we turn, we're constantly bombarded by the idea that without money, life is meaningless. So, we want to get it by all means. What we tend to forget is that getting there is nothing compared to what it takes to stay there. So many problems come with being rich- one of the most common being how to stay safe since getting wealthy automatically prints a bulls-eye on you for every envious member of your family or greedy person looking to make a quick buck. And we employ so many devices in order to ensure that strangers don't walk in and stab us in our sleep or threaten our families yet we still do not feel secure because we know these methods are not 100% protection-proof. Well, perhaps rich folks should start thinking outside the box and become open to trying new things to ensure all-round protection all year long. New things that are not in any way conventional around here. New things such as;
Moats
This is one method that has been used over the centuries in areas where building gigantic structures was a norm but for some reason, certain persons decided it was 'bland' and for aesthetic purposes, the use was abandoned. Well, I say it isn't. It's downright scary and who cares about beauty anyways. No matter how desperate that mid-time crook is at making cash, he would never contemplate gathering ladders to cross over a trench 30 feet deep and 43 feet across just to make a few thousand bucks via gunpoint and threats. You can flood it and electrify the water or fill it with piranhas
or crocodiles....
You know.....for extra efficiency.
Automated Machine Guns
These are already enjoying heavy military use by many developed countries but there's no rule that says a civilian who can afford it cannot install them on his perimeter, right? I mean, why bother paying some darn security guard who konks out into Slumberville the moment the lights in your room are turned off when you can simply pump all that money into some of these robotic, lead-spitting badboys?! Upgrade with heat sensors, infrared sensors and motion sensors and they would riddle anything that moves with 50 cal. bullets, be it a burglar or a bedbug!
Landmines
If criminals cannot walk into your house, then they cannot bother you, right? If they cannot walk AT ALL, then problem solved, right? Well, option 2 would be much preferable and it is very possible. All you have to do is plant these contact-triggered explosives all over your property perimeter. The sweetest thing about this strategy is crooks wouldn't even know it's there until they hear that blood-curdling 'click' once they step on one. You get bonus deterrent from the blood-curdling screams the criminal let's out when his legs get blown off as it would be enough to scare his colleagues off your property forever.
Use the models that explode upon contact.
Ninjas
Believe it or not, ninjas actually exist and these badboys are useful both as home security and as bodyguards for when you're moving around so they have a two-for-one special bonus attached to their contracts. And they're much better than dogs since they don't bark or shit in the compound. I'm not talking about those nonsense versions you see in movies that cannot beat Jet Li as a group o! I'm talking psychotic, bloodthirsty shinobis that can access their chakra, invoke genjustu, dodge bullets and cut a concrete pillar with one swing of their katanas!! You'll have to be super-rich to afford this option though.
Laser security
Very efficient. Very effective. Only costs you electric bills but you're rich so, screw it. Don't assume I'm referring to those invisible lights that trigger obnoxiously loud alarms when they're crossed o! I mean actual lasers gan gan- light beams focused at such extreme level of intensity that they become powerful enough to cut through steel! That kind of laser security. Also, employ a cleaning crew on standby because there's going to be a lot of burned flesh and cut up body parts if anyone had tried to sneak into your property. I mean, what crook would not be scared at the sight of this;
Gnarly, eh?
Snipers
Employ that buff-chested, 'akoto-wearing' bozo feeling fly in a private security uniform after just 6 months of strolling around some makeshift training grounds in the name of 'boot camp' and you would realize what a waste of money that move is when you catch him fast asleep around 11pm in the night on your way find out why he wasn't responding to the intercom. It's only a matter of time before his negligence puts your life in danger. So instead, employ some highly skilled, highly decorated group of veterans who have done tours all over hotzones on earth to provide advanced military protection with their confirmed one-shot accuracy gunmanship. Then chill in your room with the knowledge that these badasses are perched in strategic locations on your property with AX-50 .50 Cal rifles and marksmanship skills enough to shoot the proboscis off a mosquito without hurting its body?
Bloodthirsty Mammals
Dogs are cool but they are what they are- domestic animals and nothing else. If you're the animal lover who prefers to put their trust in a furry, four-legged creature, then I can assure you that 7 rottweilers are nothing compared to a group of hungry wolves or tigers parading round your 73-room mansion. The more, the merrier- or in this case, the bloodier. Just make sure you also employ some means of warding them back into their confinement zones once it's daytime otherwise, you would be forced to stay put indoors until Animal Control personnel arrive. But I think the prospect of a sight like this from my bedroom window is worth the risk;
Don't you?
Bear traps
This is a much older technique and it was originally employed to keep animals at bay. But I've seen situations where it was used to deter human intruders. I don't care how ambitious that hired killer is. If he has to witness his partner struggle in excruciating pain as he tries to free himself from a giant clamp with jagged edges sharp enough to make a shark reconsider its dentition, he'll have a rethink of completing the mission as he would ask himself if losing a lower limb is compensation enough for completing a 3 million naira assassination contract. This is much potent when you have a large compound with tall grasses and a retractable walkway. If they have to consider between swimming through murky waters containing Zeus knows what and a lawn with tall grasses where you cannot locate where those spring traps are, they'll simply turn around and refund the payment to the client. Trust me.
Tripwires
Attach these bad boys to dirty bombs and you'll have a typical WWII battleground scenario on your front lawn. This would work better if you have a lot of space on your property. It also pays to make sure your cars are parked in thumbprint-activated garages to ensure exclusive access to your luxurious rides. You would have to do this yourself because let's face it, you're the only one who knows the best way to protect yourself. Filling options for these homemade poptarts of death include nails, iron filings, glass, sharp rocks, acids and of course, pure gunpowder. Also, if you don't like noise, you could employ silent death techniques by connecting the tripwires to poison tips, acid baths and even projectiles. I mean, what 21st century born criminal would see THIS coming;
I know I won't...
Juju
Ibile no de fail person na. So many options come with
the use of black magic. You could get the powder perimeter that ensures
that invaders would be compelled to sweep your entire lawn for the next
17 years without knowing what they're doing. You could get the 'gan pa'
version which mandates intruders to stand still until you say otherwise-
which would be worse for them if you're on a 6-month vacation in Dubai.
If you're sadistic-minded like I am, you could use the 'cross and die'
charm that forces intruders to puke their guts out. Or you could go all
out and employ an in-house babalawo who simply has to say a few short
incantations and criminals and ill-wishers who step through your fence
would be instantly turned to livestock!
The choice is totally yours.
No need to thank me...
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