No matter how interested in salvation we are, there are times when we just feel like the sermon and services at our various churches stretch too long. You sit for hours listening to the pastor or priest drone on and on about how Daniel was a faithful servant or how Paul never relented in his ministry. And since none of us are planning to go into the field at any time to become 'fishers of men', we might come to a point where we find the service tiresome. But there are ways by which we can cope with the mundane routine of socially-obligated church services(P.S. I tend to make up words a lot so....don't even bother going all 'Wole Soyinka' on me, yeah?). I can name a few.
Nod....A lot
The preachers tend to observe attentiveness during ministration. And so do the ushers and attendants. So if you don't wanna be that one member who's always been tapped on the shoulder by ushers for dozing off, you might want to consider bopping your head from time to time while service is going on- even if you're halfway through Slumberland.
Yell 'Amen' Every Chance You Get
This one is tricky as it requires a certain level of attention. Pastors like to be spurred from time to time and it would do you good if you're the member who's always yelling, 'hallelluyah' whenever he makes a statement he believes warrants such exclamations. It would require precise timing so you might need to keep one part of your brain conscious.
Clap Like Crazy
This suggestion also requires attention but I tell you, it's very potent in baptist churches. At the slightest hint of a motivational statement, clap like you're trying to kill a million mosquitoes the size of giant cockroaches and you'll realize your actions are the only thing keeping you from keeling over in submission to the 'demon of sleeping during sermons'.
Picture Weird Scenarios In Your Head
Sometimes, you're too self-conscious to employ option 1, 2 and 3. In such cases, just put your imagination to work. For instance, you could imagine the pastor in a sombrero or the ushers in diapers. You could even envision your fellow members as oversized people sitting on very little chairs or the entire sermon is being given in a language you find funny(for me, that's konk efik). You'd definitely get a laugh out of that one!
Distract Yourself With Anything You Can Read
Pamphlets, bulletins, tracts, even your bible- anything is accepted as a welcome reading distraction from the boring talks of that old prophet or minister. Well...anything BUT your phone. That would make things worse. Take a material and glance at it with the most serious expression on your face. You don't even have to assimilate what you're reading. Just keep your eyes busy and your brain would follow suit.
Chew Gum....codedly
Yeah, gum is well-known for keeping the brain active. It's why coaches chew them during games and prostitutes chew them while on duty(don't ask me how I know this, just move along). It keeps your mouth busy which in turn keeps your mind awake. But don't go all 'Domitila' and start blowing bubbles or going 'kpa kpo kpa kpa' while chewing because while that would keep you awake, it would distract others who would conclude you've been possessed and you'd wind up turning a typical church service into a deliverance session.
Hum A Popular Hymn In Your Head
There are so many christian songs you could possibly think of. And if you cannot think of any, just choose one from the hymn book and hum away as the service progresses. You might end up even mastering the song to the extent that you won't even need the hymn book anytime said song is selected for worship. And if you don't own a hymn book, borrow from your brothers and sisters in the Lord. Its totally allowed. After all, you're in your Father's house. But if you're not into gospel songs....
Hum A Popular Hit-Banger In Your Head
This should be easy. That's the beauty of Nigerian club bangers- you don't even need to know the lyrics. You just need to remember the melody and voila! While the others are struggling to keep up with Leviticus 16:1-27, you'll be busy subconsciously jamming away to 'Penalty' by Small Doctor. You'll even get a thrill from knowing that it's only you who has access to this simple, yet interesting sleep-deterrent strategy! Don't bop your head sha... That would give you away.
Remind Yourself That Your Soul Is At Stake
If you're worried you might fall into the sin of 'unattentiveness towards an anointed Man of God', then constantly jolt yourself with the knowledge that on the last day, angel Gabe might open the Book of Life and Death, sense an anomaly in your records, pass it on the Jesus and you'll have to answer the following question, 'why were you sleeping while Pastor Dr. So so so Mc So so was busy giving food for the soul at precisely so:so am/pm on so so day of so so month, at so so year???'
Remind Yourself That Hell Is Real And Sleepers In Church Will Go There....FOR ETERNITY!
That should keep you awake for the next week or so...
...an hilarious write up!
ReplyDeleteNice one bro