No one enjoys taking a bus.
Everyone of us dream of the day we will not have to go through the hassle of
practically punching other people at the bus-stop as we struggle to get into
one of those smelly, rickety and most times, overpriced yellow Volkswagen
Transporter vehicles that flood the roads of Lagos. And the worst part is not
the getting in but the ride itself. Not only do you have to endure the fact
that you're crammed beyond capacity in the ridiculously uncomfortable vehicle
but you also have to put up with some individuals who just cannot let you
suffer in peace. These are my top 10 human pests that make bus rides hellish
for the rest of us.
The Preacher
There is always that one
person who believes they have seen the light and it is their obligation to make
others do the same. I say 'make' because for some reason, they seem to sound as
if it is YOUR obligation to pay attention to their messages. You'll be in a bus
heading back from work, nursing a headache and the knowledge that your phone's
dead which means no road tunes for the next hour or so and before you can even
blink or doze off, you'll hear the popular but annoying lines, 'Good day, my
brothers and sisters....' which is usually followed by a 40 minute sermon full
of sinner-bashing, lifestyle-shaming and assurance of damnation. Talk about
adding salt to a wound. Like we don't have enough on our plate already...
The Sales Rep
One irritating factor about
public buses is their public nature. Virtually anything is accepted, so long as
you have paid your fare. Unfortunately, this leads to one coming across a wide
variety of individuals as we board commercial buses. One category of people who
really get on my nerves are the ones who market stuff in public vehicles. You
have to be really suffering to decide that the way for you to move whatever
products you're selling is to peddle it in a bus full of ill-tempered people.
These folks can sell anything ranging from sweets to drugs, books, ties and pest
killers....I once came across a person who claimed people should pay for
prayers! Doesn't matter what they have to offer, they're loud, annoying and all
round unbearable.
The Toaster
If you're a guy who belongs
to this category, please... I beg you in the name of Zeus.... Stop. Just stop.
You're giving the rest of us a bad name. Guys like you are the reason why girls
think all men are mindless horndogs ready to dry or wet-hump anything in skirt
and Mary Kay foundation powder...or is it cream...? Anyway.... Now, ladies, if
you're one of those who have been victims of the stressful ordeal of having to
ignore or politely decline advances from some suit-wearing jerk or dumb he-goat
in sunglasses and jeans while at the same time subconsciously processing what a
shitty day you've had or how you'll be able to make it through the day, then I
really feel your pain. He's an asshole for picking that moment for his
P-setting. If you lash out at him, you're totally justified. After all, it's
not your fault he's too daft to read body language.
The Hothead
Now, none of us really wish
to board public buses. It's just one of those conditions we have to put up with
because of the terrible economy of our country. A necessary evil, if you will.
A bane we all must endure- like annoying in-laws and the NTA. But you have to
admit when you notice that person in the bus who is always quick to temper at
every slight discomfort, you just wish to bitch-slap the heck out of 'em! They
snap at the pettiest and most ridiculous things! Driver speeds up? Para! Driver
slows down? Para! Driver stops to pick up a passenger? Para! Driver seems to be
taking to long at a spot? Para! Traffic Jam? Para! Passenger takes too long to
get off? Para! It's sunny out? Para! It's rainy out? Para! The next person
bumps into them unknowingly? Para! Some news about the goverment is on the
radio? Para! Para! Para! They're always grumpy. Na only you de vex?!!
The Prof.
Ah...the I-T-K's of bus
rides. The geniuses and enlightened persons. The one person who's always not
far from stating one or two 'facts' about anything and everything. These ones usually
come in two kinds. The first kind wait until something comes up and they
immediately transform it into a topic of debate. A debate at which they for
some reason believe they must come out on top. The other kind just blurt out
whatever they think they must share with the rest of us 'ignorant folk' in the
bus because they believe they are God's gift of intellect to mankind. Whichever
category you come across, whatever topic they might be discussing with others
or just themselves, the sheer hint of self-conceit that oozes out of their
attitude is enough to make you wanna rip out their voice box and enjoy the
prevailing silence....after the gargling, that is...
The Chatterbox
It's good to gist and have
conversations from time to time. It's a vital requirement of society and it's
nice to see people who are bold enough to express themselves whenever they can.
But there's a thin line between been a captivating speaker and an obnoxious
squeaky toy. And that line has a name- limit. No matter how much you love to
talk, you should always know there must be a time to conclude. You must also
know how to read your environment well enough to know if the mere sound of a
person's voice might disrupt the equilibrium. But some people don't. They just
go on and on with no hint of stopping for breaths or anything else for that
matter. It's even worse when their statements are completely pointless. It would
have been amusing if you were in a good mood but having to put up with the
parrot in the bus while shifting periodically to allow blood circulate round
your butt is enough to make you wish the bus just crashes so you can embrace
the sweet quiet that comes with getting knocked unconscious!
The Driving Instructor
There are two main reasons
why you will decide to board a public transport. Either; (1) you don't have any
other option, or (2) you do have other options but for some reason, they're
either indisposed at the moment or you're trying to cut down on your expenses.
Whatever the case, the moment you climb aboard any public bus, you
automatically put yourself at the mercy of the bus driver. And that nullifies
whatever complaints or suggestions you might have about his driving skills.
Sadly, many people do not understand this reality and go out of their way to
take up the job of 'driving tutor' on the bus. Na dem sabi drive pass. You
can't miss them once they start the tutorial wey nobody send them! You'll hear
statements like, 'You for pass that car for back na,' or 'why you no overtake
that fedeco?' or 'no let am overtake you o! Ma fun laye,' or 'na wa sef! You no
even sabi drive!!'. Yup. Makes you wanna smash their teeth in!
The Nursing Mom
Women. Can't live without
them, eh? Women are great. They're cute, amazing, lovable, gorgeous beings who
can cook and clean. They're pretty cool, right. Yes, women are the backbone of
the human race. Plus they have boobs! And let's be honest, what warm-blooded
male does not like a fine pair of soft, supple and tender boobs? Can't go wrong
with boobs, right? Right? WRONG! I say you can go wrong with boobs and you can
go wrong in so many ways; nip-slips, enlargements gone wrong, poorly planned
piercings.... But my number one most annoying defilement of precious public sight
is that of a woman whipping out her milk-makers to breastfeed her child...IN A
PUBLIC BUS! Why in Odin's name would I want to be greeted by such a thing? And
some can be careless with the repulsive ordeal. They just pull 'em out like
it's a garden hose, stick it in the kid's mouth and go on as if it's a normal ordeal.
It is NOT! Who wants to see THAT first thing in the morning or last thing before
their bus-stop??! At least, be discreet about it!!!
The Snoozie
Living in Lagos is hectic. It
doesn't matter what level of society you belong to, you'll always fall under
one form of stress or the other. If it's not from traffic jams, air pollution
or forcing through over-populated sidewalks, it would from bad roads, terrible
electricity, fuel price hikes or harassment from law enforcement agents. Now,
as an average student-worker who is unfortunate enough to depend on public transportation,
the last thing I need is some male or female passenger dozing off to such a
point that they lose complete control of their body and subconsiously decide my
shoulder is an ideal replacement for the pillow they miss back home. Some would
doze off the moment the bus starts to move. Others will struggle through the
choice between staying awake and taking a shuteye for a few minutes- with the
latter option always coming on top. And they're selfish enough to hope that if
they happen to doze-lean on you, you should let them ride the slumber train in
peace. Well, not me. I will slap you to alertness!
The Hulk
Honestly, I believe the
reason why this category of people get away with their doings is because the
commercial bus operators themselves are simply cowards and cheats who know that
this is some sort of karmaic payback; perhaps for dodging that ticket payment
the previous week or for the conductor not giving the gentle old lady at the
back seat her 100 naira change when she dropped at her bus-stop 2 weeks before.
Whichever the case, it doesn't change the fact that flexing your man-breasts
and flabby arms at the conductor or flashing your silver tooth and your
teardrop tattoo to prove you're some kinda badass who deserves a free pass
everytime you take a commercial bus is stupid and ridiculous. How some people
live with the shameless attitude of not paying for services they've been
rendered is beyond me. You'll be in a bus, hoping to get home on time to take a
shower, eat and fall into the loving embrace of your bed but all that fantasy
would be interrupted because some douchebag decided it's his fundamental human
right to get free rides, leading to the bus being stopped midway in the middle
of a no-bus-stop area after you have paid your fare! A gun seems like an
attractive tool at that time, yeah? Or if you're sick like me, a screwdriver...
Nonsense and danfo people!
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