10 Things Never To Say If You're Caught Cheating

You've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Except this cookie jar is that tall dude from two streets away. Or that dark-skinned neighbor your girlfriend complained you were too friendly with. What do you do? So many things cross your mind you feel you should say. Well, all I can offer you is what NOT to say. To be caught cheating is bad but saying the wrong thing in an attempt to justify your action is even worse. And you can say so many wrong things just to fill in the deafening silence that looms while they stares at you with a mixture of shock, disgust and boiling rage written on her face. My brother, my sister. Whatever you do sha....do not, and I repeat, DO NOT say;

'I can explain...'

Seriously, how? HOW?! How do you explain the fact that your head was moments ago buried deep between the legs of another woman while your tongue played 'raspberry' all over her cooch?? How??? I really would like to hear it. No, I really would.

'It's not what you think...'

Oh, so I'm thinking 'my partner's cheating on me with another person', but what's really happening is he's just teaching some strange girl how to ride a horse by letting her 'giddy up' on his penis while laying naked on the bed? Noted.

'It's the devil...'

So...Satan left his fiery throne, traveled millions of kilometers up, used his supernatural GPS tracker to locate you for some unknown reason and cast a spell on you that made you seek out a random guy and ask him to take you doggy style? Is that what happened?

'I'm sorry'

This is the most abused word in the English language, in my opinion. People dish this out like it's an automatic pain reliever for whatever harm they've done. And while it's consolation in most incidences, it is most definitely NOT in this one! How do you expect it to would overwrite the image of you giving another guy head in my mind 'tori Olorun?!.

'I still love you...'

You should be shot for that statement. How on God's green earth can you even expect a person to believe you still love them when they just walked in on you humping another girl, especially when the 'humpee' has bodily assets the cheated knows she can never attain in the next 10 afterlives????

'Forgive me...'

You're asking for forgiveness?? Seriously?! Forget the whole New Testament thing and picture yourself mentally for a few seconds if you will; you're standing in a room, butt-naked, with an erection that could make a flagpole feel humbled..., next to a light-skinned girl with braids and boobs that would make Dolly Parton look like she just hit puberty.., asking your wife of 2 years who just walked in on you two sweating like raunchy farm animals...to forgive you...?

'He/She made me do it...'

This is the cowardly approach. At least stand up higher than your dick instead of blaming it on the girl. And if you're the girl, unless I see you with hands tied to the bed, bruise marks all over your body, torn clothing on the floor and blood on your face, I will not take this as an excuse....unless I know you're into bondage, in which case, you're screwed! And I don't mean in the way you just were a few moments ago.

'I didn't mean to...'

You didn't mean to lie to me about sleeping with another person. You mean to tell me that you conflicted with the idea of having sex with someone else all through the foreplay(if there were any)? You mean to tell me those moans and grunts I overheard before bursting through the door were not completely sincere?? You mean you weren't really into the feeling his tongue between your thighs because your legs wrapped around his head say otherwise.

'I was lonely...'

If you felt this way and you didn't see a way out of it, then you should've ended the relationship in the first place instead of being a two-timing spawn of Hades!!! Seriously, loneliness is NOT an excuse to cheat, it's a tangible reason to move on! And if you know the love is there and you don't wanna leave, here's my advice; boys, get a goddamn fleshlight! Girls, get a friggin' dildo!!!

'It was a mistake...'

So, you accidentally took a cab all the way from Mafoluku to Ota, then accidentally take a bike from Tollgate to Oju Ore, accidentally alighted, accidentally take another bike to Afobaje, accidentally dropped infront of and walked into B3 Hotels, accidentally located the room number, accidentally take off your clothes and accidentally gave him the reverse cowgirl????? Eeyah... Clumsy you....

'Please, calm down...'

Has that ever worked in any scenario? Do you really think that listening to you tell me to calm down while you're laying in your birthday suit next to a woman twice my size with an ass that could be seen from outer space is going to ease the tension? You really think I would forget about cutting off your john after experiencing such betrayal simply because you asked me to 'calm down'? You wanna take your chances with that???

'April Fools!'

If you say this, you should be stabbed.... Yes! Stab 'em! Stab 'em in the crotch!!

Onisekuse oshi!!