If I'm asked to describe Lagos in one word, I'd say 'Chaotic'. Everything blasts and blares and runs and flings around. Surviving a typical day in Lagos is equivalent to being in the blast radius of an exploding grenade and not getting any shrapnel pierce through your flesh or shatter your spleen! And it's worse for drivers. Imagine blending tomatoes in an electric blender. Imagine how crazily the blades spin. Imagine how it shreds those plump, soft tomatoes and pepper into a nice shake. Imagine that. Now, change the subjects of the formula by substituting the tomatoes with yourself and virtually every other driver in Lagos. Also, substitute the electric blender as every major road in Lagos. THAT'S how driving in Lagos is. But you can make it easier for yourself. All you have to do is possess these few but necessary skills and you're good to go;
Guts
The roads of Lagos are not for the faint-hearted. Gentlemen do NOT even dare to take the wheels when treading the asphalt jungles of Yaba, Ojuelegba or Agege. And the reason is simple; when it comes to a face-off, they don't have what it takes to put the fear of Hades in their opponent. You need the heart of a dragon to cruise in comfort along Lagos roads. Without that, you become subject to all sorts of disasters ranging from getting bullied by hoodlums, conductors or even Police patrol vans at every turn to practically parking by the side of the road in confusion because you're afraid the gigantic puddle in the middle of the road would swallow your car if you dare try to pass through it.
FF Skills
Lagos drivers are insane people. The phrase, 'pedal to the metal' might be unheard of to most of them but it is definitely their anthem. The slightest sight of a free lane and they're flying over speed-bumps and swerving through traffic, overtaking trucks and long buses. They are crazy drivers- but out of necessity. You see, in Lagos, time is precious. Everyone needs to make the most of each day and for drivers, that mission is both primary and secondary. They need to drive like Schumacher for so many reasons- to beat the impending traffic, to meet up with the resumption time at work, to reach the bar before kickoff, to overrun LASTMA officials and of course, to make sure you make it home before it's so late, you have to worry about getting robbed. So yes, you need insane racing skills. You need to be fast and furious.
Zero Fear of Cops
'The Police is your friend'. This is a common phrase posted and inscribed in bold letters at every Police station in Nigeria. But to be honest, this is far from the truth. The typical Policeman in Lagos state is a bully. A power-drunk man-in-black swinging his state-issued AK 47 at anything he wishes. He's a dictator in his turf. You find yourself in a jam with any one of them(or a group of them because they tend to flock together like a murder of crows!), you'll definitely hate the experience. Yes, yes...there are exceptions but let's face it...majority carries the vote. They're predators...no, scavengers! They pounce on anything that can possibly cough out cash. And their most favorite choice of prey? Vehicle owners. Doesn't matter whether you're riding a motorcycle or a Bentley, if you come across any Police checkpoint, you'll definitely be shaken down. So you need to learn how to slide down your car window or slide up your helmet visor, look them straight in the eye and say in the most confident tone you can muster, 'I know my rights.' And be ready to prove it because they won't back off easy.
A Forked Tongue
Like the Police, you also have to learn how to bully other drivers in Lagos. This is because Lagos roads are basically the collective equivalent of a gigantic arena where contestants compulsorily participate in a dick-swinging contest(or boob bashing, in the case of women). Once everyone hits the road, it becomes a race for who can spit the most venom once the inevitable confrontations set in. So, if you wish to survive that drive home from church, you must be willing to put aside that Sunday sermon which instructed you to 'turn the other cheek' and prepare to dish out as many curses, insults and threats accompanied by fire and brimstone to anyone at anytime and in any place when the need arises. Bad language is a major contributing factor to the successful driving experience of virtually every veteran Lagos driver. Why else do you think the public transporters are so saucy?
Eagle Eye Precision
Transportation in Nigeria isn't exactly a walk in the park. As a matter of fact, it's a run on a beach in an effort to escape from a group crocodile chasing your ass while you try to catch up with the rescue truck already full of people. It's a nightmare. You have so much obstacles to battle- and I don't mean that figuratively. You encounter actual obstacles on the road- old tyres, logs, trash bins, large rocks, dead animals, metal pipes, bottles, sometimes even corpses. So, it doesn't really help if you're the type who sleeps on the wheel because if you are, you might wind up sleeping in death. A sharp eye also helps when you're stuck in an impossible situation. Quick question; why do Lagos drivers 'rev their engines' in traffic jams? Simple. Because you need to be ready to take advantage of the smallest opening you can cast your eye upon. You need it to make a quick dash when you spot cops and road authorities looking to pin an infringement on you. You also need it in case you spot some strangers jump out of a car in the middle of a lockjam, fire shots in the air and starts robbing people.
Super Endurance Mode
No matter how skilled on the wheel you are, there will always be those rare situations over which you just have no power. Cases where you have to be at the mercy of the hindering factor. Take for instance, a super gridlock. I'm talking a classic rush-hour-traffic-jam long enough to rival those in Hong Kong or Mumbai. I'm talking a 5-8 hour standstill of trucks, buses, cars, tricycles, motorcycles and even pedestrians! I'm talking about the 'lay your bed and spend the night at Iyana-sash' level of holdup. Good luck driving your way out of that one. Or perhaps it's not a traffic congestion. Perhaps you just happen to have a mechanical problem in the worst possible location and at the worse possible period of time. Like having a flat tyre in the middle of 3rd Mainland bridge around 11pm and suddenly realizing your spare is also flat. Or engine breakdown in the middle of a huge pothole filled with slimy water at Super/Ile-epo axis on a rainy day. In such scenarios, you just have to lock up, seek a solution without getting agitated and still crack a few good jokes about the situation with others to ease the tension.
Unbeatable Poker Face
There are also scenarios where you're caught in a situation where you bear 99.9% of the blame. Situations where you make a bad judgment call out of impatience, anxiety or cockiness. Or maybe you just weren't in the right frame of mind and something bad happens because of your negligence. Now, I'm not talking about hitting someone with your car- in such case, you have to show compassion and sense of duty to the victim. I'm talking about other cases like bashing another driver's car, driving the wrong lane or maybe disobeying a traffic law. Believe me when I tell you that in such situations, showing emotion will only make the matter worse. If you doubt me, then ask yourself why those two idiots whose cars have locked fenders are still in the middle of the road arguing at the top of their voices while causing a traffic jam? It's because they're both so stupid, they fail to realize that no one will win if both are busy yelling, 'do you know who I am?!' at each other. So if you don't want to be one of those nitwits, if you don't want to be the cause of a 20 minute traffic jam that guarantees you hundreds of curses from angry drivers and passengers- out of which 70 will manifest in your life before nightfall- then you need to learn the 'robot face'. It's pretty easy. Just look stone cold. Speak without frowning or smiling. Use simple and short but polite responses, yet let it come from a face that says, '...?'. For sake of flair, raise an eyebrow once or twice to indicate attention. The other person would not want to spend more than two minutes in such a confrontation but would rather want to trade insurance company numbers or settlement ideas.
Scary Voice
Lagos is a loud city. And in virtually everything we do here, we must- and I mean MUST- make noise. When we walk, when we talk, when we eat, when we drink, when we cook, when we preach, when we pray, when we play, when we buy, when we sell, even when we have sex! I guess it's a habit that grows into you if you live in a such a commercial city for a very long time. In Lagos, yelling and shouting is the average whisper. There is no such thing as noise pollution and if you think there is, then surely you're not a true Lagosian. Everything is loud so nothing is loud. Now, if you drive in Lagos and you're planning on using loudness to win in a confrontation with another road user, then you're clearly looking to waste your time. Loudness of voice isn't the key. Gruffness is. As a driver, you need to learn how to train your voice and thicken your larynx to such a level that when you open your mouth to respond to the disses of another driver, you sound like a mixture of Vin Diesel, Alex Usifo, a werewolf, Kurama and the voice-over guy who announces fighters, combos, fatalities and brutalities in Mortal Kombat Trilogy! You need to sound like a god- no, like the Grim Reaper. You need to sound like the mere swing of your arm would knock the other person's soul out! It gets shit done.
Military Stickers
If there's one thing the average Lagosian dreads, it's Armed Forces personnel. Army, Navy, Air-Force, Mopol and the likes. Can't blame them really. Have you seen those people? They always look like they could eat a whole grenade, sit comfortably as it explodes in their bellies and burp out the smoke. They look painful. They look like guaranteed 7 weeks in the intensive-care unit. Even without weapons, they still look formidable. In Lagos, people walking around in Mopol, Navy, Air Force or Army uniforms are practically untouchable. They tend to be avoided because they are capable of kicking up a sandstorm when rattled. However, it's worse when you do not know the person is a member of the Armed Forces. This happens when the individual decides to move around in civilian clothes instead. So many stories have been circulated about persons who were being harassed by other road users only for the harasser to discover in an excruciatingly painful way that said persons were uniform personnel. And such stories have taught Lagosians not to mess with anyone remotely related to anything military. So, if one were to post a military sticker on their windshield of hang a badge on their rear-view mirror that says, 'Nigerian Navy', they tend to get a free pass.
Deep Pockets
In the end, if all of these don't work, you can always pay your way out. Money solves everything in Lagos. It opens doors and it closes doors. It gets cops and road authorities to look the other way and it also gets agitated drivers to calm down once the damage has been paid for. Oh, and it also means you can afford a 'siren-blowing' convoy so you won't even need to be delayed in a traffic jam. Money is the ultimate skill for driving in Lagos.
But hey! What do I know? I don't even own a tyre...
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