I don't believe there's a soul in Lagos who likes traffic jams. Sure, the sight of drivers cursing each other is one to laugh about, as is seeing some fat lady sweating and struggling to push her Sienna off the road because it broke down due to overheating but still the entire ordeal is frustrating as it is stressful. However, all is not lost as some of us have devised various means of coping with the hellish experience. And these methods work so well, that we can endure insanely-long traffic congestion everyday of the week and still get home with enough energy to sleep with our wives and girlfriends or watch a midnight movie. So the next time you find yourself in a typical Lagos road gridlock, you might want to consider any one of these tactics;
Headphones
You have a phone? Invest in headsets. With a good pair of headphones and your favorite playlist, you can sit through 6 hours of frustrating lockjams and still wonder how you managed to reach home on time and in a good mood. You would need to make sure your phone is fully charged before you leave wherever you are to ensure continuous jams from start to finish. It also works for ignoring whiny passengers, salespersons, preachers and dirty-mouthed conductors, not to mention the constant 'pim pim' every impatient driver generously contribute to the already shitty condition as if the loudness of their horns would magically change anything.
Pointless Talk
Look for the most vulnerable passenger and engage them in discussions of no significance. It doesn't matter if they're sitting next to you, in front of you or behind you. Heck! I doesn't even matter if it's the entire bus you have to chat up so long as you all are talking and laughing until the congestion passes. This technique works the best for those who are good at captivating people in conversations. Those you can take a completely mundane subject and turn it into a hot topic within a few minutes. You get extra points for distraction everyone else from the hellish situation you all have found yourselves in. You become the savior of the moment and perhaps even make a few new friends along the way.
Munch Up
Remember how your dad or mom used to bribe you with sweets or sausages whenever you threw a tantrum? Or lure you to school with a pack of Shortbread biscuits. Or stuff your mouth with lollipops while the mean lady plaited your hair? Well, the same magic is potent in go-slow situations. Avoid gum though because excessive chewing of gum would make your head ache. Also, avoid oily and milk-based foods. Seriously o! Otherwise, your problem would change from 'how long will I continue to sit idly in this crummy bus before we get to my stop?' to 'how long can I keep my bowels from going Hiroshima in my pants?'. Chin-chin works. So do plantain chips, bottled water and popcorn.
Window Seat
Make sure you only enter a bus with a seat close to the window. This gives you two advantages; (1) you can keep yourself busy by watching vehicles struggle to maneuver between tiny spaces, hawkers desperately plying their trade in the hot sun, and (2) firsthand access to ventilation since spending long hours in a crowded bus can be both stuffy and exhausting. So, don't hesitate to hoard that spot close to the door or window and you'll appreciate your choice of seat while the rest of the passengers unlucky enough to be located in the middle of the bus sweat like soaked sponges under the baking heat. Bonus points: you get cold breeze when it's rainy.
Vent
Pick any and every reason to get pissed off. If you know you're not built to keep things bottled up inside, then don't. Lash out shamelessly at everyone and anyone for any reason whatsoever. At the fat guy poking your side with his meaty shoulder. At the woman who decided your lap would do well as a support for her gigantic basket of smelly smoked fish. Yell at the idiot who uses the crummy condition of the bus as an excuse to tap current by nudging your ass with his naked knee. At the lady with 4 kids who decided it's your duty as a patriotic human to rent your lap as a sit for two of her kids. At the conductor for being smelly, the bus for being rickety and the driver for waiting at a stop, even when you know it's not his fault. It doesn't matter why, just lose it!
Internet
Ah....this takes you completely away from the happenings of your surrounding. Android and iPhone users will really appreciate their data bundles once they're caught smack-dab in the middle of a typical Adekunke-to-Yaba gridlock. Access your Facebook account and make pointless comments about any topic you see. Open your Instagram app and just go on double-clicking cute photos. Open your Playstore and surf through apps, adding some to wishlist if you do not have enough data or downloading and test-running some if you do. Go to your Twitter account and begin retweeting even when the topics have absolutely nothing to do with your interests. Or open your Youtube app and watch comic fan films or IrokoTV till the ordeal is over. And if you have the Netflix app? Just chill.
Focus On Others
This tactic is basically option 2 with conscience as it is more applicable to those who have a heart that sighs at the sight of others suffering. Look around you and try to ease the tension in others by highlighting them on why there's always traffic on that lane and ensuring them it won't take long- even when they can tell you're lying. Try to assist the driver by showing him angles and openings he could take advantage of, bearing in mind that your good intention may be met with hostile reproach, even from your fellow passengers. Also, try to distract others by making funny comments about anything and everything you consider worthy of topic. You could even go as far as helping the little old lady carry her sack on your lap for a few minutes as you constantly ask the person next to you, 'hope I'm not making you uncomfortable with this?'.
Daydream
If you don't know how to be social(like me) and your phone is unavailable so you can't lock yourself away in the world of Amy Lee's 'Imaginary' or Korede Bello's 'Godwin', let your imagination do the work. Just zone out and picture yourself in the most pleasant situation you can imagine. But avoid sexy situations if you're a guy or those sitting next to you would begin to wonder why there's a wet bulge in front of your trousers. Picture situations where you're most happy or excited- like where you're eating your favourite food or movie scenes you're really fond of or if you have a very jobless sense of imagination like me, scenarios where you have super martial arts skills and you're beating ninjas and aliens in an attempt to save your crush. Dream on, dear... Dream on.
Sleep
A very efficient tactic used for surviving stressful situations, ranging from body aches to empty stomachs. Sleep has been used by man since time immemorial to escape from the harsh realities of his existence and I think I speak for all when I say a typical standstill from Cement to Iyana-Ipaja qualifies as one of those. However, only employ this method if you're getting down at the last bus-stop because once you enter Slumberland, it wouldn't matter if it's a 30 minute traffic jam or a 5 hour gridlock, you'll be busy snoring away while others swear and complain. You would need to select a convenient seat for this purpose. I suggest the front seat. That way, the driver can wake you up once you reach your destination. Bonus: you get a few minutes of well-deserved nap while you're at it so, win-win.
Adapt Your Breathing
I'm sorry to tell you this but no matter how efficiently you employ any of these tactics, none of them would matter if you do not know how to cope with the soggy air that is very common in traffic jams. The continuous emission of smoke and exhaust fumes render the air so unbearable that you fear you'll develop lung cancer from that one experience. Also, some bastards who cannot control their bowels might contribute to the poisonous atmosphere with their even more poisonous mosquito-killing farts and soul-wrenching body odour. So, you'll have to mutate your lungs to learn how to sieve only the good air into your system. If you cannot do that, then OYO is your case.
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